the Mountain Goats - Song for Greg Valentine.
With a little description of territorial wrestling in the intro. AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING. AMAZING! BEST THING.
Sheamus by dA user *Chibi-Warmonger
…And we’re back, with TNA’s fifth ever show. Guess what? Somewhere between episodes four and five TNA finally started to use their editing software! Or two VCRs stacked on top of each other as it was probably known. As Jeff Jarrett gets a fancy video hyping how he’s been a massive whiny man-brat since week one. He was screwed the first night of TNA (he told the NWA reps that the Gauntlet for the Gold sucked and got placed first in the entry order ultimately losing out to Scott Hall with a Toby Keith suplex for good measure), but he’s damned if he’s going to let it happen again! So we see highlights of his rampage since.
Such as when he hit Scott Hall with the oh so prestigious ‘Congratulations on lasting a week, TNA - Love the NWA’ trophy. (Seriously that is all it was the trophies’ sole reason for existing.
The video mainly highlights how he hit everyone in the world with a chair (lots of unprotected headshots too). I guess Jeff had broken his entire supply of cheap guitars in WCW. He even took out some Tennessee Titan American Footbally men with his dreaded chair shots.
Also he dumped Scott Hall off a stretcher, which I can’t quite get a good screen cap of but I find it hilarious for some reason.
This is followed by an attempted interview with Ken Shamrock by Goldylocks, apparently filmed ‘earlier this week’, outside, in the rain.
Good, if sweary opening, lots of Attitude Era swearing is cool stuff though and their is more to come!
Tenay & Co. inform us that tonight we’re going to see a Ladder Match with a contract (signed by Ken Shamrock, Tenay is quick to add) to determine the new #1 contender to the NWA World Championship and it’s going to be Jeff Jarrett vs. Malice.
HOWEVER! After calling in last week Hall decided to show up this week and he’s brawling with Jeff Jarrett backstage. It turns into a big mess of black shirt security, not great lighting, and Bill Behrens yelling. This somehow leads to Jarrett forfeiting his match tonight because… He’s the heel? Scott Hall jumped him but gets away with out punishment but okay.
But who will challenge Malice!? ‘The Zoot Suit Daddy’ Don West (seriously, Tenay calls him that) must know.
The New Church arrive, Slash has gained an eyepatch.
Pretty sure he didn’t have that last week.
Mitchell cuts a promo about how Malice wants some ‘crimson life essence’ on his hands. Which to me sounds less like blood and more like shampoo, but Mitchell is still the coolest part of The New Church. Basically he issues an open challenge for anyone to come and face Malice in the match since Jarrett’s been forced to forfeit. Doesn’t Mitchell know that that technically means Malice wins the match?
Malice vs. ??? - #1 Contendership Ladder Match
The lights go out! They come back on! The challenge has been answered by:
It’s Sabu. Who apparently had a match later on but is so damn crazy he wants to wrestle Malice right now! If Malice was booked anything like the monster he is made out to be, this would see lot of Sabu getting his ass kicked and bumping like crazy. Instead Malice eats a chair he had tried to attack Sabu with, the other Church members take shots at Sabu and Sabu does Sabu things. Malice actually manages to look somewhat impressive amidst all the dull not very goodness and powerbombs Sabu off the ladder. Then he suplexes him onto it and when he’s trying to climb the ladder winds up getting dropkicked off it. This is one of those kinds of matches where nobody is trying to make it look like winning is important.
Don West says Sabu has the ‘face’ of a guy who might join the New Church. Probably confusing him briefly with Tempest. Malice goes through a table and Sabu wins! Then New Church beat him up and Malice chokeslams him through a table.
It was an okay match. Malice was very plodding and Sabu hit all his stuff.
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett, Bill Behrens and Black Shirt Security have not moved in twenty minutes apparently and continue to argue.
AJ Styles heads out to the ring and we get the first glimpse of why AJ Styles is still not any better off now than he was ten years ago, as he cuts a promo about Jerry Lynn. As is customary West and Tenay chime in every so often to basically say ‘you go girl!’… But wait!
Chad Kroeger is here and he’s pissed off
But who cares here’s Goldylocks outside the FEMALES dressing room, curtain… And she’s got an interview to conduct… With Jasmine St. Claire… Nothing good can come of this. She wants to talk about last week when she made JB do his best Michelle’s boyfriend Mike impression but no time for that because Francine attacks her and throws Jasmine St. Claire into the shower so we can get to see her nipples! Kind of!
Lets move on… To shots of not quite ready to dance cage dancers, damnit TNA.
K-Krush vs Norman Smiley
Oh TNA, you have redeemed yourself and given me too wonderful men in singles competition. I think this is the genesis of The Truth character as Krush cuts a promo saying he’s not ‘just an angry black man’ but he is The Truth! He also ‘looks’ and ‘smells’ like a star and can’t figure ‘what the punk ass damn’ was up with his WWE release. He claims they were scared he’d be a rash on their ass hollerin’ suffering suckotash.
Not much to talk of in the match, Smiley just plays the roll of angry heel job guy again. After the match K-Krush takes off his belt which makes West fear Krush is going to take off his pants, for some reason. Instead Krush wraps the belt around Smiley’s neck and hangs him off the ropes, which brings Norman Smiley’s wife out from the back to plead for him to be set free.
He only grabs at her and she is quickly released when Black Shirt Security, no doubt fresh from hour two of ‘getting Jeff Jarrett to leave and failing’ rush to her aid! The whole thing actually worked. K-Krush gives of the crazy unhinged vibe that means doing something like this seems natural for him. Whereas a lot of TNA at this point, and now even, seems forced this is came off as natural and really well done. I hope more comes of this. It was a real moment of drama.
And it’s followed up by this. Puppet masturbating in a bin and Stan Dupp complementing Goldylocks vaginal lips. Yeah.
I pay TNA compliments and THIS is how they repay me! NEVER AGAIN!
Daniels and Skipper vs. The Flying Elvises
No Yang again, just Siaki and Estrada - who actually has Elvis hair this week! Siaki spends most of the match going to ringside getting a headset and talking about himself. Lots of Flying Elvises nearly dying from their own stunts and Skipper doing cool things. Also Chris Daniels is there doing the same old stuff. Siaki gets the win!
But the Dupps attack them with bits of wood in revenge for last weeks beating and then dance!
Also incestuous three way snogging but that is cut away from to cage dancer cleavage!
Puppet vs. Meatball
Fat midget with a shopping trolley of food verses midget bin wanker. Can be summed up by this:
Afterwards, TEO or Total E Outstanding, another midget steals a cage dancers top. The little scamp!This gets followed up by a wet as she was twenty minutes ago Jasmine St. Claire, like bullets they are at this point! Why couldn’t she put on a bra? She’ll have someone’s eye out! She calls out Francine and promptly rips her top off while Ferrara and West could very well be joining Puppet in a dustbin after this by the sounds of things. The place erupts when Francine steals Jasmine’s underwear, revealing a thong underneath. Because everyone wears two sets of underwear right?
This causes fansplants to wave money! Classy!
Francine takes off her belt and here comes The Blue Meanie! He can’t stand to see his porn star girlfriend spanked with a belt and runs to her rescue! It gets very ECW as Meanie DDT’s Francine. Tenay & Co are quite appalled but the svelte looking Meanie is quite pleased with himself. Ferrara, continuing his crush on Francine story line or whatever follows her stretcher to the back.This was pretty much the polar opposite of the K-Krush/Smiley bit. It was trashy as hell and I hated it. I hated the announcers for fapping over the cat fight, the money waving plants, and the man-on-woman violence.
Low Ki vs AJ Styles - X Division Championship
It’s the first X Division singles match and it’s two guys I really don’t have much interest in. Lots of stiff kicks, as expected. Ferrara mentions VCRs to remind us that it was 2002 and people still had those! I still do in fact! It doesn’t work though. Low Ki’s coolest kick is the kick AJ off the apron thing he does. AJ misses the Spiral Tap for the first time, but they’re clearly trying to de-emphasise that move as AJ uses the Styles Clash for the win. Afterward Jerry Lynn beats AJ up and it goes on for far to long. This has really been a night of people running in and beating each other up and it’s kinda lost all meaning. Don West’s cries of ‘Why?! Why?!” as Lynn throws AJ into a ladder was funny though.
After this we find out AJ and Lynn must defend their tag titles next week! Egads! But how will they co-exist!?
Also, Ken Shamrock vs. Sabu next week is a Ladder OR Submission match. Gimmicks on Gimmicks on Gimmicks!
Brian Lawler vs. Scott Hall
This is our MAIN EVENT! Brian Christopher who wants to be called Brian Lawler so he can get out from under his dad’s shadow after thirty years cuts a promo about he has secrets about Jerry Lawler. One of them is how Lawler hangs around outside high school looking to pick up underage girls. Scott Hall, enraged that Brian is telling tales about his best friend, that guy he worked with once, eh, Scott Hall just is angry still because Brian turned on him. Not relevant at all is the Jerry Lawler slandering, Hall doesn’t even acknowledge it. He just beats up Brain Lawler. K-Krush comes in to fulfill the prophecy that Hall would also beat him up! There was even MORE belt attacking here as Kwik did the same thing he did earlier to Smiley to Hall, Bob Armstrong comes out for the save… I guess that makes Bob Armstrong Scott Hall’s wife now?
The EMTs arrive to take Hall away, and then cool as you like, Jeff Jarret saunters up with a chair in hand dressed as an EMT and nails Hall with a chair.
He is clearly a man with a chair, which is not normal paramedic equipment, as far as I am aware. He’s the guy who is all over the show and just because he’s dressed differently apparently nobody recognizes him! It’s hilarious! The way they portray Jarrett in these shows is just so fantastically silly.
Way too much belt whipping. Too much Francine and Jasmine St Claire. Not enough K-Krush.
They really over do it with the beatings and run ins on this show. It just becomes a mess of brawls and belts and chairs and boards. You stop caring when the women get at it. The midget match was so, so, so boring and awful. Jeff Jarrett and K-Krush remain highlights and The New Church continue to just exist.
Next time, Sabu faces Ken Shamrock and will AJ and Lynn CO EXIST!? WHO KNOWS!?
Once again, it is time for the only regular thing I do on this blog at the moment - watch old NWA:TNA shows from ten years ago!
This week it is episode four, and Ken Shamrock is facing SOME JAPANESE GUY for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. Actually, it’s Takao Omori, but really he might as well be just called ‘some Japanese guy’ because they never bother to give you much info on him bar he beat a guy in seven seconds, I mean they give you a bit of info but Tenay doesn’t really wax lyrical about Omori the way he does for say, Kid Romeo. We also get an NWA World Tag Team match as The New Church of Slash and the debuting Tempest challenge the megapush of AJ Styles and his tag team partner Jerry Lynn. Ron Killings having a surprisingly fun match with a NASCAR man, Norman Smiley vs.
Grandmaster Sexay Brian Christopher Lawler and Low Ki, Christopher Daniels, international megastar Kid Romeo and Jerry Lynn main event which makes the Flying Elvises mad!
Also, Jeff Jarret nearly kills a 60 year old man:
This woman doesn’t really like K-Krush:
And Jeremy Borash makes this face:
There are some interesting things developing. K-Krush is awesome, Brian Lawler is alright but his schtick works big for the audience. The New Church continue to be a thing that I want more explanation for! But Jim Mitchell is always really great. Jeff Jarrett is a whiny cowardly heel, which I believe is traditional southern heel booking. He’s okay. Hermie Sadler vs Krush was my match of the night, because I didn’t expect it to be so good. The NWA World Championship match just didn’t do anything for me. They didn’t really bother making a big deal out of it and two weeks in a row the World Champion is below the X Division on the card. Which I guess is signifying that the X Division is what TNA is about but it just feels wrong. Also I don’t care for high flier multimans and we have not had a single one-on-one X match yet. The worst part of this show was seeing Harley Race take a chair shot to the head. That wasn’t needed. Sure, Ol’Harley is tough as nails but it was still stupid.
Next week, dustbin midget masturbation!
Want to hear my as it happens thoughts?
But some other fun things:
Noted Wrestling Penis Men - The Johnsons were apparently SERIOUS BIZNESS in early TNA. They got to wrestle not quite yet America’s Most Wanted back when James Storm was still shooting cap guns not drinking beers. He has wrestled them twice during my watching. So I guess this was his first feud in TNA?
Monty Brown had Abyss’ music but with lyrics! And he was terrible, he didn’t P-P-POUNCE or nothin’.
The great news: Tag Team Championship tournaments don’t matter! You can still win them even without competing in the first round, if you ask nicely.
The bad news: The trophy got broken.
The worst news: No Cheex on week three! maybe on week four?